#...Enough of this I'm going to bed now. My sleep schedule is so horribly out of whack I don't even really enjoy staying up this late

[humanmorph]

remembered wayne&co were doing a thing today & after watching a bit I just had the thought 'maybe its supposed to be unfunny to subvert expectations even more' which surely is a sign this just isn't for me

[lunamochii]

'your love and support is what keeps me going.' oikawa toru x f!reader

"Are you coming? Class is going to start."

You read the message of your friend replied "I am, just buying something." Bowing to the shopkeeper, you exited the shop and prepared your speech on why you are late to your teacher. Thankfully, she just let you in and your friends is eyeing you suspiciosly.

The class went on for an hour and half and with each minute passing by, you can tell your body temperature rising. You thought your fever will go away yesterday since you just stayed all day at your house. You even said no to the date you supposed to have with Oikawa. The moment the class ended, you excused yourself from your friends who wanted to know why you're late, you were never late.

"Shit.." You whine when you felt the throbbing pain inside your head again, you already drink some medicine but it's not doing any good. Looking at yourself at the mirror, you look horrible.

"Are you okay, miss?" Looking up, you notice some first years and you just weakly smiled at them

"I am, thanks." They just nodded and went out of the bathroom, after fixing yourself. You tried your best to get to your classroom, your vision getting blurry and it's like everything is spinning. The moment you open the door of your room, your head began to throb, horribly.

Last thing you heard is the voice of your classmates and friends screaming your name.

The last thing Oikawa wants right now is the attention from his fans, he likes it don't get him wrong but he really wants to focus on their training this time.

"Are you still mad because she declined your date?"

Iwaizumi said when he approach the setter, Oikawa woke him up at the middle of his nap just to cry and whine on how you don't love him anymore. He knows his bestfriend is a lil'bit dramatic so he let him rant and he just went back to sleep.

"We planned it for so long! She knows our schedule doesn't match up so we specifically agreed on that date."

The brunette huff and spike the ball he was holding and let out a sigh, if something came up you would've told him. Iwaizumi stared at his bestfriend before shrugging and returning to practice, some time later there was a commotion at the entrance of th gym

"Please! We need to speak to Oikawa-san!"

"I told you that his busy!"

Coach Nobuteru glared at his captain and Oikawa grimace and went to calm down his 'fans' but before he could speak, your angry bestfriend shove all the girls and glared to Oikawa

"Your girlfriend collapsed!"

He didn't need to get a go signal from his coach and sprinted towards the clinic of their school. He never ran that fast all his life, he was panting, hard, catching his breath as he entered the clinic where he saw you getting check up by the nurse

"Baby.." he manage to blurt out while wiping the sweat off from his face and approach where you are "Rest for 15 minutes first. Oikawa take her home after she take this medicine." He nodded and grab the medicine from the nurse's hand. The nurse excuse herself and slightly close the curtain, enough to cover you and Oikawa.

"Why didn't you tell me?" You look at him and sighs "You have a match coming up, I wouldn't want you catching my sickness."

It's true but you could have inform him, he grab the stool and sat beside you. You laid down on the bed, facing him. Your right hand slowly coming up to cup his cheeks and he groan feeling how hot your palm is.

"I'm sorry. I know we've been looking forward for our date yesterday... I'm so-"

"Shush it doesn't matter. All that matters is you'll be healthy and energetic again, okay? Now, rest. I'll go get our things, when I come back you'll take this medicine and we'll go home, okay?"

Even if you are wearing a facemask, he can still see your smile. He lean forward and kiss your forehead and almost curse when he felt his lips get burn. Even if he misses the practice tomorrow, he'll nurse you back to help. He won't get weak just by missing a single practice. Plus, when you are all well again he'll have your whole love and support and it's enough to fuel his desire to win everything in life.

[teriwrites]

The Fatal Choice: Part 4

My Live Reactions to Reading Through My 2013 Novel

Area man shocked that entire city isn’t overrun by horrible, upper class shitheads actively collaborating to oppress their citizens and, in fact, is mostly made up of everyday citizens

So much disdain for alcohol

I can’t tell if this poverty being equated with morality is a character bias that’ll be rectified with time or literally 15-year-old me being ignorant

I’m gonna say a mix of both, but pretty cringe either way

Delroy just ordered straight rum from the bar

In a glass

The man supposedly doesn’t drink

This will have zero consequences

Ironically enough, rum is now my go-to spirit (but I’m more of a cocktail girly)

Anyways he’s seeking information from a guy in a seedy bar, ofc

YEEEEEES MY GIRL’S HERE

‘After helping Delroy brush some of the dirt off of his coat, the woman stuck her hand out. “I am Adriana Estep, aromatherapist in these parts. I can’t imagine somebody looking as dignified as you coming here very often. You must be quite desperate.” looooooove her

Delroy is lucky she’s so good, he’s the most gullible SOB I’ve ever written

‘Darkness overpowered everything, and it cast the poorer side of the city in shadow. The only dim light that the city received was the moonlight, which wasn’t enough to overpower the ceaseless darkness.’ I think it might be nighttime, you guys!

Delroy is just like me, fr, cannot handle strong smells, I also have to avoid visibly recoiling whenever I enter a perfume/incense/candle/scent-based store

“I have very close friends that were thrown into the dungeons. I need to know where they’re being held and if there’s any way I could break them out.” “Now you’re talking,” Adriana grinned. (I’m telling you, she’s the best)

AND she’s literate, what a badass

“If I want to try and get a job as a guard, then I’ll have to know what time slots are available. Later, I can say that I found myself another job and being a guard with my back up, so I don’t need it after all.” “Genius,” Adriana smiled, and then walked across the room to grab something. When she returned, she had a paper in her hands. “There’s only one thing. I already have a schedule of their work.” (I should’ve written this book about her)

‘Suddenly, she returned and handed him an incense burner. It smelled of Lavender, and Delroy couldn’t help, but feel a little less depressed after smelling it.’ I don’t think I knew how aromatherapy worked

Adriana stop flirting with the man, he’s ace and you’re a lesbian

(I’m not sure either of those were true in this draft but I’m Confident they were not meant to wind up together in any capacity, she's just sorta playful like that)

‘The bed that Delroy had the privilege of using was almost too comfortable.’ this is the second time I wrote about bedding being too comfortable, which I would’ve dealt with at the time, as I had to sleep with a resin back brace in high school and whenever I slept without it, I felt like the soft mattress was gonna suffocate me

People conveniently discussing current events downstairs in the inn the following morning to let Delroy know what his timeline is

‘Delroy couldn’t imagine how people could celebrate the deaths of others, criminals or not.’ we’re not supporters of capital punishment in this house

He just got struck with like a weirdly overpowering muscle spasm in his arm, and I'm really struggling to remember if this has literally any relevance or if it happened ~just because~

“I’ll get you back, my brothers,” Delroy vowed, and he clenched his fist, forcing his arm to stop twitching. “I don’t know how far I must go, or how much time it will take, but I will get you back.” my guy, you know exactly how long you have (roughly a week), and exactly where you need to go to do it (the jail, obviously) but the sentiment is there, at least

Ending Thoughts:

Delroy can leave now actually, the main-est of characters has arrived! Adriana was a longtime favorite character that I wrote, and I'm really hoping that I wrote more about her in this draft because to this day I still have a bunch of her lore circling through my mind. Arguably, she was the first to fit into an archetype I still often find in my writing: capable, fiercely independent (often to a fault, which requires addressing during their personal arc) women hiding their sense of being overwhelmed by the narrative. For other examples of this, see: Charlotte Wilson, Ingrid Berg, Rhonwen Castell, Winifred Pewitt (dw, we'll cover each and every one of them). I suppose Kristen can also slot somewhat into this archetype, too, but she's a little too openly codependent on her peers and open emotionally to quite fit in the slot. Anyways, still seeing a lot of that personality shining through, though not all of it's positive. Delroy definitely has a bit of a pretentious streak, which he totally did Not adopt from 15-year-old me, the girl who was 'too good' for reading YA or listening to popular music yet secretly loved Kelly Clarkson. Definitely not.

[mentallyshattered]

This is part 4 of the "What if Yuu didn't want to go back?" Series!

(I, the author of this work, do not consent to this work being crossposted/translated without my knowledge or used to train an AI, ever.)

Masterlist

My bed is soft. Very soft. I don't want to leave, but I have to.

"C'mon, Yuu! We're gonna be late! Myaah, wake up! We have class!" Okay, he has a point. Being late to class on the first day would be horrible, both for our reputation and Vil's.

Mustering all my willpower, I drag myself out of the warmth and onto the cold floor. Oh, slippers! That's much better.

...Hold on.

"Grim, when did I change into my pajamas?"

"You didn't. Vil used magic to swap what you were wearing with those. He said he didn't want to wake you up." Grim beams. "I managed that trick, too! Look at me, mya-ha!"

Sure enough, Grim is wearing a white, collared button-down, a black-and-white striped tie, a purple vest that matches his magestone, and a dark grey jacket to top it all off. Worn below the collar of the button-down is the collar with his magestone, and there's a violet string-looking thing with a red stripe down the middle tied around his left front leg, held in place with a golden emblem that's carved to look like Pomefiore's crest. He has no pants, but that's pretty much what I expected.

"Your uniform's in the dresser, Grim's familiar."

"Come on, Mandible. You know his name."

...Korrak sounds exhausted! Is he not used to this kind of sleep schedule? I wouldn't be surprised. Mandible did mention that he has pilot parents, after all.

Oh, right. My uniform. Sure enough, it's in the top drawer of my nightstand, neatly folded. Looks like it has all the same parts as Grim's, plus pants, shoes, and socks. There's boxers in there, too. Better go change. Didn't I hear a sophomore mention walk-in closets at the entrance ceremony?

Yep, there's a door over by the foot of my bed. That must be the closet, which is soon revealed to be walk-in. Hey, there's a light! And a full-length mirror!

...This is probably a changing room. Oh, well. Figuring out where and how everything goes on is a walk in the park, and there's a shoe rack on my left. The only pair that seems appropriate for a regular school day are the loafers, so that's what I put on.

"Myaah, you look awesome!"

"Thanks, Grim! You wear it better, though."

"No way! We're familiars, so we both look equally awesome!"

Aww. "I'll let you have this one, Grim."

"Hey, Yuu and Grim. I've got your schedules over here. Says you're in class B. We aren't, unfortunately." Korrak frowns once he's done speaking, but I don't realize why until he pokes Mandible. "Hey, wake up. We have class too, you know."

Grim goes and gets the schedule from Korrak, and carries it back to me. Upon examination, I learn class does not start for another hour.

"Korrak, do you know why we're up this early?"

He sighs, unsuccessful thus far in his attempts to wake the exhausted opossum on his bed. "Breakfast and skincare routine. Both are mandatory in Pomefiore, and this wake-up time is recommended by our housewarden." Yeah, that explains it.

Mandible wakes at the mention of food. "Breakfast? Where?"

Korrak's face is what you'd expect from a sitcom mom. "The dorm dining room. Today it's fruit, I think."

Mandible's tiredness vanishes from his face instantaneously when Korrak says the word "fruit." Mine does the same.

I grab Grim. "C'mon, breakfast!" He does not complain.

Soon after stuffing our faces with way too much watermelon, Vil stops us in the hall.

"You fell asleep before I could give you this. All yours. Use it now. And Grim should be brushed every morning before you dress him." Vil hands me a small cardboard box that feels magically reinforced. He does not let go until I'm firmly holding it, probably because it's far heavier than it looks once he does.

"He dressed himself. Is there a cat brush in here?"

Vil nods. "There most certainly is." With that, he's gone. I set off to the room I fell asleep in last night.

There's a lot of people in here, but it still isn't hard to find an empty seat. I remove Grim's little uniform (as much as I don't want to) and begin brushing him. The process only takes a few minutes, and I use the opportunity to chat with Korrak, who's in the seat to my right.

"So, what class are you in? Grim and I are in class A."

"Me and Mandible are in class B. I hope it goes well."

The kid on my left speaks up. He has beautiful, fluffy, lavender hair and the second-prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen, in my biased-toward-Grim opinion.

"Hey, me too! What're you named?"

"Uh, Korrak. And this is Mandible. What's your name?"

I sit and return the cat brush to its spot in the box before reading the instructions for the skincare products. A few of them are for Grim, so I pull those out first- while continuing to eavesdrop, of course.

" 'S Epel! I like that there 'possum- 'Mandible', eh?"

I smile. The instructions are easier to follow than I thought they'd be, and the blooming friendship makes excellent background noise.

[sweetorangepoptart]

You know what? I'm gonna say it. I fucking hate daylight saving time. I hate springing forward. Sorry cousin oskaar from iceland. Sorry everyone who is excited about there being more daylight in the evening.

All daylight saving does to me is make bedtime hell and morning time torture. I have to put the kids to bed by 7:45 if we are to have any hope of them getting enough sleep for school the next day. When it's dark earlier, this makes my life SO much easier. Everyone winds down at a reasonable hour and they are sleepy at an appropriate time. Then they wake up refreshed and morning routines are smooth. No matter what I do to try and prepare, setting the clocks back turns bedtime into a struggle, and no one gets enough sleep for school. I endured 4 meltdowns this morning alone from my neurodivergent child who just cannot cope with the time change and is exhausted.

And my work schedule has never enabled me to benefit from daylight saving. I worked for 10 years in a bakery. Do you know how helpful it is to change the clocks when you have to wake up at 4am to make it in for the 5am donut shift? Not even a little helpful. It's horrible. waking up at 4 am is awful enough, but then when my body thinks its 3 am??? Even now I work a stereotypical office job but I still have to drag my ass out of bed by 5:30 to have any hope of getting myself and the kids ready before we have to head out the door. Daylight saving or not, I'm up well before dawn.

I love dark evenings. I love taking walks around my neighborhood at night. I love looking out the window and seeing the sunset and thinking "Oh shit, it's getting late" only to look at the clock and realize I still have a couple hours before I have to go to bed. I love when my kids volunteer to get ready for bed because they notice the sun is going to sleep. I love the night! Daylight saving just steals my nighttime wind-down away.

all daylight saving does is cost me sleep 😭

[yankstrash]

okay okay maybe meels had a really bad sleep, like shockingly bad, and she’s so frustrated because when she finally feels like she’s sleeping gabe has to go to class. and she’s literally so distraught about him leaving and maybe he leaves maybe he doesn’t i’ll leave that up to you🤭

she goes over to gabes to get some sleep but he's putting his backpack on right as she walks into his room.

"wha-where are you going?" she asks

gabe turns around, confused because he didn't know she was coming over

"class, baby. my 11 am" he says as more of a question, because meels does know his schedule but right now she wasn't thinking about that. she was only thinking about laying down with her boyfriend and getting some damn sleep

she stood there limply, her eyes barely hanging open but being open enough to feel tears forming

"everything okay meels?" gabe asks

amelia shakes her head before burying it in her hands

"woah woah baby, what's wrong?" gabe asks, going over to embrace her

"i'm so tired!" she cries out. "i slept so horribly last night and i just wanted to come here and lay down with you and get some sleep but now you're leaving!"

meels couldn't even explain herself further than that, she was just exhausted.

"oh baby," gabe says, stroking her hair. "you can stay here and nap and i'll join you after class."

this doesn't satisfy meels one bit.

"but i need you now! and when you get back from class you're just going to have to leave for practice!!"

amelia wasn't sure what was overtaking her right now. she has never and would never ask gabe to skip class, but right now she wanted nothing more than that.

she rested her chin on his chest and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"just this once, just once, could i be so selfish and ask you to skip class and lay with me? please baby?" amelia pleads

there was no way gabe could look at the bags under his girlfriends eyes and the obvious lack of sleep and exhaustion in her features and say no.

"sure baby, get comfy and i'll grab you a hoodie." gabe says

amelia gives him a squeeze before getting cozy in gabes bed while he drops his backpack and retrieves her a sweatshirt.

he hands it to her and she slips it over her head before joining her in bed

she snuggles right onto his chest and gabe places a kiss on her head

"get some sleep, princess."

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

The great regular sleep experiment of 2024 day uh... "too much tea"

Well it turns out that while caffeine helps me sleep fine for my morning slot... Drinking a lot of fluids doesn't...

Other than being up to pee a whole lot, I slept well enough, ended up staying in bed till closer to 3 on account of the getting up to pee a bunch. Lesson learned. That could have gone way worse.

I *think* these sleep shifts are as good as it's going to get. One is even right after morning errands where I get in, put stuff away and want nothing more than to shower and fall into bed.

Also Pumpkin will let me sleep for 4 hours at a time, if it's at times he's used to me doing it and if it doesn't go on much longer than that... Because babies [cats] need to be fed every 4 hours :/ [this one does]

Right now I'm still a bit hyper-thyroid though, and it just got warm out, and I think my immune system is 'activating' against something again, so I have been trying to push myself to do chores if I am going to be awake and feel physically horrible anyway.

I did that thing where after scrubbing the floor yesterday and letting it dry, I swept it again today in greater detail and washed it again. Ooooh aaaah clean floors. Cleaned the toilet, washed dishes, did some sink laundry.

AND I FOUND MY 'O' KEY!!! I have a full keyboard again!

The main thing is I am trying to keep all the cleaning and organizing 1. Quiet and 2. done at a pace I could maintain on most days, because if I get a bee in my bonnet about it and wear myself down, i might get a huge chunk done... I might even get the 'rest' as done as it can be, but then I will crash and have to recover, which might mean falling behind on everything again and breaking any fragile habits, and I don't want to do that...

The only issue I see with this sleep schedule is it tends to take me 4 ish hours to wake up after sleeping and a bit to wind down... So the 5 hours between my sleeps works fine on days where I can spend that 5 hours doing nothing much, but on days where I need to do stuff --that isn't groceries before morning bedtime and crashing-- it means 8 hours spent sleeping, plus the five in between that I can't use, plus another 3 minimum to get running, plus whatever hours I sleep past 2pm because i need extra sleep, and then having those remaining hours be in the middle of the night.

The only other way to approach it is by waking up and immediately throwing myself into doing things before I am awake enough to process anything, like how much it hurts... And that can be okay for basic cleaning, but I am so out-of-it when I first wake up that doing anything with anything heavy or sharp or powered becomes actively dangerous. ... Which is why it usually takes me 4 ish hours to get running because otherwise I am not alert... and that leaves... maybe 7 hours. Mostly being at night will add to my ability to being alert, and those hours would be great for working on art or writing and quiet creative projects, but it's not workable for any kind of tool use, or any heavy cleaning or organizing. [If I had my own house it would be fine]

And the problem is that if I am left with no times of day that are convenient to do a thing... I end up unconsciously avoiding it without realizing what's getting in my way. I KNOW I do that, so I am trying to set myself up for success instead of failure.

My remaining hope is that as I get used to this schedule, if I can keep it without the *symptoms*... I'll start to get alert or sleepy faster when it's appropriate and struggle less to do things during the 5 hours between sleeps.

On the bright side at least I am *mostly* only fighting my own body for this, but not having roommates to also have to work around... Just apartment neighbours.

If I can just get really used to a half-awake 5 hours of misery on any morning I have to get shit done, it'll be mostly fine, probably??

[parcequecestnotreprojeeeet]

Hi! It's Winter! Have a nice day!

Bed Partners

The constant ringing from her cell phone startled her awake. It had taken her over an hour to fall asleep and she groaned when she looked at the clock glowing on her husband’s side of the bed. 11:45 PM.

“Sweetie, give me space. I need to answer that,” Brigitte whispered. Unfortunately, her words were not met with actions.

She threw her head back on the pillow. It was pointless because he wasn’t going to move. His loud snores were an indication that he was in a deep slumber. Nothing and no one was capable of waking him up at this point.

Brigitte looked at her phone and shrugged. Whoever it is will have to leave a message. 

The dings came through in rapid succession. “Darling, please move.” Her pleas went unanswered and, by now, she knew who was desperately trying to get a hold of her. 

When she was finally able to retrieve her cell phone, she scrolled through the messages, laughing when she saw that all 12 texts were from her husband. She dialled his number and waited for him to answer. (Which he did on the first ring). 

“Chérie! Did I wake you?” Emmanuel shouted enthusiastically into the phone, forgetting there was a 2-hour time difference between him and his wife. 

After a discreet yawn, she smiled, “You did wake me. I'm sorry I couldn’t answer your call - he wouldn’t move.” 

Emmanuel’s heart began to race. “He? He! You’re not alone?” 

“Emmanuel Macron, are you that lost without me that you can’t even think straight.” Brigitte teased. “Check your messages. I sent you a picture of my bed partner.” 

Without hanging up the call, he opened his messages, beaming when he saw a photo of their dog laying next to his wife. 

“See! Nemo is with me. He’s wide awake now. He must have heard your voice on the phone. He misses his daddy.” Brigitte confessed as she nuzzled their dog’s head. “And so do I.” 

Emmanuel had been missing his little family too. He couldn’t wait for this business trip to be over - if only to be back in bed with his wife, holding her as they slept. Their busy schedules made things difficult and time apart was unavoidable. Sometimes he couldn’t wait for his final term to be over.  

“I can’t believe I’m jealous of our dog right now,” Emmanuel admitted. 

“He snores just as loudly as you do, so it sounds like you’re beside me.” Brigitte chuckled and yawned again. “Thank goodness you’re not as hairy.” 

“I’ll let you sleep, chérie. I’ll call you in the morning.” Emmanuel promised. “I love you.” 

“Goodnight, I love you too,” Brigitte replied before ending the call and tossing her phone back on the charger. 

As Emmanuel got ready for bed, his private phone beeped. When he saw who the text was from, he immediately unlocked his phone, concerned that something horrible had happened to Brigitte in the middle of the night. 

Upon opening the message, his face broke out in the brightest smile. 

He read the text out loud: Nemo and I miss you. 

He quickly typed back: I’ll be home in 16 hours. I miss you too. Tell Nemo his daddy will see him soon. And I have a gift for him!  

His eyes lit up when he saw her typing. So, you’re counting down the hours, I see.

His brain moved faster than his thumbs. Always. Being away from you is torture sometimes. 

He waited for her response…. Nothing. 90 seconds had gone by and still no reply. He began to grow anxious until, suddenly, a photo appeared. 

He could barely type: Chérie! Are you naked under the sheet? 

She had angled the bed sheets and camera just enough to expose a generous amount of skin. 

Teasingly, she wrote back: maybe… maybe not. Dream of me tonight and tomorrow you’ll get your answer. 😉 

Hello Winter! ❤️

The little twist of the bed partner! Emmanuel jealous of Nemo is peak jealousy hahaha

Now that Brigitte is naked under the sheet, I hope Nemo is no longer there with her… 💀

Thank you so much, Winter! ❤️

[irl-grieving]

(I started this on March 30th, 2025.)

I need to recount what happened.

20 days ago, you were Fine.

It was a Monday, and we had gotten to sleep in. I was awake because I'm always awake before you, and I wanted to get my car back from the repair shop. They said they would call me back about *if* they had taken the part off in the 3 days they had already had it.

We had been bowling Saturday because my girl friends had all had bowling plans, and I wanted to do it too. You laughed that it took *me feeling left out* to get us to go bowling a nice walk away, but you were absolutely happy to go. You gave me good advice that I was really struggling to pick up on until you went to find me a new ball. It was two strikes, right?

We had talked about going back Monday afternoon for the Dollar Day Deals, and making that a regular thing for us:

Monday Bowling. Daily Walks.

Secret Cinema. Ren Faires.

(April 1. 2025)

When I came to our room, you were awake and scrolling on your phone. We chatted about getting my car back, grocery shopping, and grabbing the laundry around your work schedule that day.

I only recently remembered that you told me your chest hurt, felt sore and achy. I only lightly begged you to come back to bed. I should've begged harder, we would have caught it, you, in bed.

You grabbed a towel and your speaker and your phone and went to wash your hair.

I don't know if it was even 5 mins later.

I heard an incredible thud, so loud, so heavy. I definitely freaked out and was up and walking down the hall before I was done calling to you.

Opening the door to a seemingly empty bathroom was surprising. (Right now, it feels like you're going to walk into the room and ask me what I'm doing because I'm making the hard concentration fave you always thought was so cute. It hurts to make it. It's not cute, it's heartbroken and upset.)

Seeing you fallen, collapsed in a horrible position in the tub was terrifying.

I want to know how that happened, how did you end up curcled up like that. Head shoulders knees and toes. How? Your hair was still dry, you had *just* gotten in the shower.

I tried immediately to help you, but your seizing body was starting to get slick from the water and I felt so weak. I managed to get the water off and try again, but I had to stop to call 9-1-1 because this was so far beyond what I could do.

It felt like the line rang forever. The dispatcher told me to move you, she told me to try. And I did it. I managed to lift you up off your head. I am glad I was strong enough for you, one last time. 300 lbs of amazing human, all mine to love, lift, greive. I am so glad I was strong enough for you.

Dispatch told me to direct the ambulance, because no one can find us in this shitty old town. They told me to leave you alone. The last time I saw you as close to alive as you were, the bruises on my thighs were already darkening.

When the EMTs did arrive, it felt like 6 ambulances of them and more showed up. When they started the defibrillator, I had to leave the house. I have had first aid and AED training, I know how to use a defib, and the longer I heard it go, the worse I would be.

You would have liked the EMT that came to talk to me. I like to think he's what your coworker Wolf was like. He was very gentle telling me about the brestjing tube and everyone keeping going on you.

It felt like it wasn't 5 minutes before I thought I heard *you* cough in the living room. But it wasn't you. I got up from Jamie and Gab on the porch so fast, certain that I would see you in the living room on a stretcher, awake, aware, about to crack a joke.

There was that nice old EMT again, and he took my arm and sat me back down. He said he was sorry, and they did all they could, but you were unresponsive. Your heart had stopped and refused to restart. You left this world.

Jamie and Gabriella were there. They heard everything at the same time. They did so much to help me.

I wanted to see you before they bagged you up. Feel your body as soft flesh and lovely fuzzy hair one more time. Kiss your lips one last time. Smell you again. Internalize you as much as I could. Because you fucking washed *all* of your clothes, even dress shirts you don't normally wear. We had just changed the sheets and your pillowcases.

[gex-uwu]

I was texting with someone I met on discord.

And I might have fallen a little bit in love with them, but I had a mental breakdown and told them that they made me feel some kind of miserable, and now they won't let it go and they want us to separate or take time away from each other. For my own well being. It makes me very sad. And I don't know what I expected to happen in our future but we were doing so many things together like rp, chatting, talking about videogames and art, doing sexual stuff together. It was all so fun, but I fucked it all up by making a big deal out of me not wanting to get out of bed because all I wanted was to talk to them. There's a 7 hour timezone difference between us. And trying to stay up until 3 am, to do lewd things with them made it really hard for me to keep a sleep schedule. It felt like my life was revolving around being with them and talking with them doing stuff with them. It was so dumb because when I told them that, they started working about me and making sure that I was doing okay was their top priority. And they were talking about cutting ties and kept saying that that would be best. But me being the rat that I am, I managed to kinda talk them out of it. And I said to them that I would stop bothering them for the rest of the day and not talk to them until the evening where I would say goobnight before going to bed. I managed to forget about that promise and talk about pizza randomly, with no response. I now drew them a picture of myself as a shark and sent, saying goobnight and apologizing for talking about pizza and breaking the promise. I feat they don't want to even think about me currently that's why I'm so bothersome by me messaging them because I know they will see it. And if they do they will be reminded of me and how rough the last two days have been. And they've got enough to worry about already. I also admitted that I'm in love with them and I forgot what they responded, or if they ignored it. I can't remember... Also btw this is a completely different person that the one I had the dream about. The one I had the dream about, I know irl, and he has not seen any lewd parts of my body. Nor does he even know I'm trans or on estrogen and hormone blockers. And I love both of them and I fucked up my relationship with them both yesterday. One after the other. I love being mentally ill and horrible at making and maintaining friendships. And one last thing. I have a fear of knives because I often think about stabbing them in my eyes or slitting my throat with them. And yesterday when I was crying and texting, relationship ruining things to my, then discord wife. I walked out of my bed to grab something and as I was walking back to my bed I remembered the knife in the kitchen, and I felt drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I managed to resist as always but this feeling of being attracted to knives like a magnet is getting stronger and stronger.

^the drawing I made for ex-discord wife

[litnerd]

Update on studies (weeks 2-6)

Yup I realize I've not updated in a while. I've been to London for a few days, been sick two times in the course of a month (my immune system is so shitty that I've decided to go back to wearing a mask in lectures) and am now insanely stressed trying to work through every bit of homework that built up during that time :')

A little update on goals I've set for myself just so that I don't lose sight of what I want to do:

- Practice sign language every day.

I actually love the course, it's very fun but I keep only repeating the exercises a day before or on the same day as the course. I wanna do at least 15 minutes of sign language practice every day.

- Finish my term paper.

Yeah, I still haven't finished it simply cause I haven't had enough energy to actually sit down and do it between or after classes. I need a free day, which is hopefully gonna be this thursday, to actually sort out everything. I hope I'll finish it until the 9th of December.

- Stop watching youtube (until the term paper is done). I've successfully gotten off of Instagram, Tiktok etc. but now it sometimes happens I watch YouTube videos for an hour instead of doing something else. And honestly even if I can't concentrate on something productive I'd rather sleep. Or read a book. Or write. Honestly, fuck passive entertainment.

- Go to bed 11 pm latest.

My sleep schedule reverted back to being horrible because I keep texting friends once I don't have classes out of fomo and text them until like 2 in the morning.

That's it. Hopefully once I'm less stressed you'll get a more detailed update. :)

[thecreationofevelyn]

21/12/2023

"The difference is, you are the sunshine I chase, that I worship."

I haven't written anything for quite some time, life has been coming at me hard and fast, and I wasn't expecting this year to go the way it did at all. It has been filled with wonderful highs and devastating lows but I'm lucky enough to be in the company of my soulmate throughout, someone who has held me through it all...

Back in April I sat down to play one of my favorite games The Elder Scrolls Online, to relax for the evening, I was actually planning on staying up to reset my sleeping schedule as I had been unwell and it had knocked me out of routine. I'm pretty silly so I accidentally ended up on the American servers, so luckily even though it was late for me, the game was still active. I requested help from one of my guilds and a few people replied to say they would help, but only one person actually showed up. We got talking and long story short, within the past eight months he has moved countries to live with me, we're engaged to be married and we're expecting a child. It's a funny little story to tell our grandkids, is what we say.

After his visit to the UK to see me back in May, I visited the US in July, it was my first time being on a plane and I was kinda scared but once I was on there I found I love flying, turbulence is actually kinda fun (in small doses). I met his family, saw his hometown, met his friends and melted in the summer heat that was accompanied by a heatwave. My airline also completely messed up my return flight, which resulted in me being "stuck" in the US for another week (something my partner was actually wishing for on the way to dropping me off to the airport!), and like my knight in shining armor, he swung his car right round and said "I'm coming to get you, baby. Don't worry!".

In August, after selling all his possessions, he caught a flight to the UK and moved in with me. It felt wonderful to think there wasn't a limit on our time anymore, that from now on we'd wake up together every day. We had our time to adjust to living together and the ultimate outcome is that we are at home with each other. I now understand why people call their partners their "other half". I introduced him to my Grandmother who was unfortunately in the hospital at the time due to a fall, they chatted, she told him about the war and her life, he held her hand and told her how much he loves me, our plans for the future, that I'm the person he plans on marrying and having his children with. As I gave her a hug and a kiss goodbye, she squeezed my hand and said "He is wonderful." I replied, "I know". My grandma would always tell me "I hope you find someone who loves you properly, I'd love for you to be happy and have someone who will take care of you.", after living through years of abuse and hardship, I had grown into a horrible sense in hyper-independence and would tell her I was happy and I didn't need taking care of, but deep down, I always wished for the same too, I had just given up hope.

Sadly, that visit was the last time I got to speak to my Grandma, that night she had a stroke and I could speak to her but she wasn't really there...she held on for as long as she could, until she also caught Covid. She passed away in her sleep, thankfully in a comfortable bed surrounded by caring nurses, on the 2nd of October 2023. She lived to see her 94th birthday, on which I made a fuss of relighting her birthday candles because in the rush of filming her, we forgot to catch a photo of her. I'm glad I made a fuss, it was the last photo I would get of her, and it is a beautiful one.

On the 14th of October, I realized I could smell things a lot stronger; I took a pregnancy test...or twelve...and all came back positive. Our baby will be a Leo, the same star sign as my Grandma. Sometimes I think she held on until she was convinced I had found proper love.

We have made the decision to move to America in February to be around family, we will be working and saving and growing towards the plans we have made for our lives. I know my Grandma would be telling me to go and do it, I know she would be happy that for the first time in my life, I'm actually happy and doing what I want to do with my life.

I'm now two months pregnant and I've been having nausea but nothing to bad, it is manageable. The exhaustion is starting to slow down too, so I'm getting ready to begin being creative again with my YouTube channel. We have a lot of selling, packing, and preparing to do in the next two months, but in the meantime...it is almost Christmas, our first together, and it's also my birthday on the same day. My partner told me a story of how when he was Eleven years old his aunt asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied "I don't want anything. Just a picture of my future wife.". He tells me now "And then you're born on Christmas Day...you're my Christmas present!".

Peace, Evee xo

[box-architecture]

if you read this fic before I fixed a big glaring error no you didn't.

Also, putting it on tumblr below this cut

Niki rose with the sun, watching it peek over the mountains to bask Skyhold in its frozen warmth. She stretched as she made her bed, feeling every satisfying pop of her spine, every ache in her joints comforting in its own way. Shaking away the remains of sleep, she quickly slid off her nightgown and into her work clothes, only taking a few moments to check if the scars on her torso had suddenly decided to change overnight.

Nothing, as usual. She smiled, half bitter, half relieved.

It wasn’t important anyway. There were other things to focus on, like the relief of sleeping a warm bed, or having ovens again, instead of campfires in the snow. She grinned, mood raising, and strode through the barracks and into the kitchens. A few of the other cooks and servants began to find their own fire and made their way over, but no one could come close to her excitement. It wasn't just an overflowing camp anymore, but a settled group in a real building, and she finally had the resources to feed every hungry mouth that needed her.

She wouldn't let them down.

-

"Take this up to the Left Hand, Maker knows they haven't eaten today."

"Yes ma'am!" Tamlen- a servant boy- bowed his head and hurried away with the plate. Their Spymaster could act horribly aloof at times, but Niki was determined to poke and prod at the man until he started having at least a decent lunch schedule. If he didn't like Niki sending the servants after him, he could come down and eat himself. She smiled to herself.

"Miss, the demon was in the pantry again!"

“He’s fine, Miriel,” Niki sighed, and continued to sprinkle chocolate chips into the dough. The other cook puffed up like a flustered bird.

"Miss-!"

"If he isn't stealing anything, don't worry about it." She said tersely. When the girl looked like she wanted to protest, Niki threw her a look. "Tis' not our job to manage him. If you really have a problem, go to Foolish."

Miriel's expression turned sulky, but she went back down to catalog their goods.

"…That being said," Niki craned her head to glare at the rafters. "I don't appreciate you scaring my people."

Melding out the shadows just enough to be visible, the figure lightly kicked his feet.

"I have kept to the terms of my agreement." He sounded like he was pouting. Until she met XD, she didn't know demons could pout. Silly, creepy thing.

"You're pushing it. Haven't you made any friends to spend time with? Somewhere to go that isn't my kitchen?"

"Well--" He pulled fully out of the darkness, a figure cloaked in green and a mask much like the Inquisitors, save for the large X. "The other one. Compassion? Does not like me hanging around him. He thinks I am too much like him, but not."

"Can't imagine why." Niki said dryly. The demon chuckled, a bit more sinister than she preferred.

"I enjoy playing with the diplomat, but he is busy right now, so I am not allowed to intrude. And the Sapnap is currently away with The Veiltorn. I was informed not to follow." For a moment, the demon seemed a little lost, bewildered even. "When I was introduced to the idea of friends, I was not informed there would be so many rules. Too many, even."

Niki, despite herself, felt a pang in her heart. "You'll learn everything in time. I'm sure they'll have a moment for you soon."

"They will." XD said, and she couldn't tell if it was threatening or meant to convince himself.

She was probably going to regret taking pity on him. Still, she gestured to the dough on the trays. "Have you ever had a cookie before?"

"What is a cookie?"

-

As it turned out, Pride Demons apparently could have the memories of flavor, but it was nothing compared to the real thing.

He had quizzed her thoroughly on the creation of cookies while the tray sat in the oven, rumbling in interest when she talked about the different methods required depending on the type of cookie, why it was important to soften your butter, how measurements affected the consistency- but he had only started outright purring when he took the first bite.

It was fascinating watching him pull up the mask just enough to reveal a deceptively human mouth with teeth that were far too sharp for it. She was polite enough not to stare though; he already had terrible manners, she didn't need to teach him more.

"These are interesting." Another crunch, another purr. "I did not realize that taste was such an important human tool."

"Glad you like them," Niki said, trying not to glow from the praise. Not everyone could say they got a genuine compliment from a Pride Demon. "I'll have to make you my official taste tester when I make my gingersnaps."

"I would like to be there for the ingredient mixing process this time," XD said, not quite a request, but also not an order. She grinned.

"Don't cause any problems and you're more than welcome."

He seemed content with that agreement, sliding another cookie into his mouth with a harsh crunch.

Soldier-like footsteps reached her ears moments before the awkwardest knock she'd ever heard sounded from the door. She frowned, slipping out of her chair to open it, and was met with the sheepish face of one General Technoblade.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, such as baking. Or murder."

"Nothing right now," she reassured him and opened the door wide. "Just XD and I- oh! Well, I guess he's gone now."

The table at which XD had sat was now empty, and when she craned her neck, the rafters were equally vacant.

"The demon?" He looked around. "Has he been bothering you?"

"Not anymore than the cats when they want to be underfoot." Niki grinned up at him. "The Inquisitor knows we don't need thirty of them in the kitchen, yeah?"

"Ah, Niki, don't take this from him. I'm pretty sure nine lives worth of cats was his dream come true."

Niki snorted as she watched Techno bend down to look for one of said cats. She was exaggerating a little- not about the cats, gods no, but they only tended to all gather near the kitchen during suppertime. Still, Techno made small noises, and one particularly fluffy one made its way out of the pantry and hurried over to accept pets.

"Maybe so, but if he rescues any more from the Grove, Punz is going to start using them in place of their ravens."

"Now, now, it'll never come to that. Probably. Punz wouldn't want to have to start training a new animal. Or see the look on Dream's face if he found out… A little of both."

Techno skritched the cat's chin a little more before offering his hand to play with. He didn't seem to mind when it began to gnaw on him, even gently shaking it, as if to encourage it to fight.

"I thought you were more of a dog person," she asked with amusement. He pushed himself back up.

"Oh, I definitely am, yep. I was just coaching him on his battle skills, Niki." He said quickly. The cat began to play with the ends of his cape, rolling on its side as it chewed and kicked. "See? I’ve taught him well. Anyway, I just wanted to check on how you were doing, you know. I haven't seen you since you've settled into your new position and, well-"

"I'm fine, Techno." She interrupted him with a soft smile. "Twas' nothing I can't handle."

"That's good, that's good. Do you need any more burn salve? Our incredibly tenacious and resourceful Inquisitor has very helpfully gathered enough elfroot to fill my entire living quarters."

Niki stared at him. "Not… literally, right?"

The look he gave her was half long-suffering, half pleading, and she sighed.

"Alright, I'll take the elfroot. But I don't need it for salve; I'm happy to report that I'm fully healed as of last week."

"Excellent." Techno patted her on the shoulder, relief obvious. "You could use it for any cuts you get while chopping up your veggies, or whatever needs cutting. Maybe even keep some around the bedroom in case you need it for some indigestion in the middle of the night-"

"Have you always been this much of worrywart?"

"I take great offense to that."

"Right, right." Niki smiled, feeling affection simmer in her. "And ‘tis certain you'll never check up on me if I do become so ill as to need a room's worth of elfroot?"

The general looked actually offended now. "I never said that."

She threw back her head to laugh, and it felt bright and bubbly and whole after a lifetime of waiting to be. Overcome for a moment, she drew her general into a tight bear hug. His arms came up slow, and settled around her gently. He relaxed into the hug.

"I'm glad you're better now," he said quietly into her ear. He patted her back, where the burns had faded and scarred. Her heart twisted uncomfortably.

"I am, too."

-

She smacked his grabby hand. "No."

"Oh, come on-"

"No," she said more sternly. "You know the meaning of the word, don't you?"

Tommy sulked, but stopped attempting to steal the cookies off the plate she had prepared.

“It's not like he needs them,” He grumbled, kicking the dust off the stone. Niki rolled her eyes.

“And you do? I’ve seen you throwing my cookies off the roof over there, you brat. Wasteful, I’d call that.”

“They had raisins in them,” Tommy protested with all the audacity of a ferocious nug. “Those are the worst kind of cookies.”

“You didn’t have to take them, then,” She said, exasperated. “Leave ‘em for someone else to eat.”

“No, they had to pay for their crimes!”

Niki groaned. “Maker above, I don’t have time for this.”

Tommy stuck his tongue out, but she resolutely ignored him in favor of heading up the stairs of the Spymaster’s tower. He followed, because of course he did, but she knew it wouldn’t last long; for reasons she wasn’t privy to, their Spymaster did not like Tommy, and ‘twas quite the same the other way ‘round. Tommy claimed he had done nothing to earn their ire despite everything. She wasn’t sure she believed him, but his confusion seemed sincere, and Punz had hardly been open about any outstanding incident.

None of her business though. Twasn’t like Tommy was being kicked out or anything; their Inquisitor would put up a fuss about it, and then Punz would look like a sad bird until all was put to right again.

“Why are you even treating him all special? The guy can get his own cookies. Could even get his stupid ravens to do it.” Tommy asked as they opened the door to the aviary.

“Sometimes you have to take care of your friends, Tommy,” She raised her eyebrow at him. “Isn’t that what you do for the Inquisitor when you go out? Help him fight? Keep him safe?”

“Pff, like anything could take Dream down.”

“Why do I even try?” She sighed. “Now go on, get moving, before Punz has your head.”

Instead of doing the normal person thing and leaving through the door, he turned and started climbing out the window. Somehow, this had become an average sight in her life. She rolled her eyes and continued carefully making her way through the throng of curious birds. Punz’s ravens were undoubtedly beautiful, clever things, but she wouldn’t put it past any animal, trained or not, to take a shine to food on an open plate.

“Punz!” She called out, letting faux irritation slip into her voice. “I know you’re there, stop working yourself to death and come eat.”

For a few seconds, it was silent.

“Behind you.”

The first time they had pulled a stunt like that, she had been startled out of her skin, dropping the pitcher of water she had been carrying and spilling it all over the floor. Punz had pretended not to find it hilarious, and she pretended like she wasn’t one second away from murdering their Spymaster with a kitchen knife. It wasn’t the most… fanciful start to a friendship, but one that served to be honest and true to who they were.

This was by all accounts the second dozenth time they’d attempted to scare her, and she no longer jumped. The urge to throw a rock at them had yet to fade, however.

“Asshole,” She said, and they grinned.

“Nice to see you too.”

“T’would be better to see you under better circumstances.” Niki scowled. “Why do you keep refusing to take meals at appropriate hours? Can you not keep a schedule? Must we all be doomed because our Spymaster can’t tell time?”

“That was mean, ‘Chu.” He gave her wounded look, like a liar. “I think the fate of the world is a lot more important than taking all of my lunches at noon.”

“You don’t take your lunches at all!”

“The world will end if I eat on time, did you ever think of that?”

She thrusted the plate of cookies at him, wickedly satisfied by the way he nearly stumbled back. “By the gods, you’re stupid.”

“I don’t care about the god’s opinions,” Punz dismissed, taking the plate delicately and heading back to his desk in the very back of the aviary. She snorted at him and followed.

“Will you care about mine then? I don’t want a starved mind leading one of the helms of our forces. I don’t think the Inquisitor does, either.”

That was a low blow, and she damn well knew it. He stiffened immediately. “I would never compromise our operation.”

“And if I tell him you haven’t been eating, will he agree?” She pressed. When Punz didn’t respond, she crossed her arms. “If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for us. Do it for the people who care about you.”

A raven croaked softly nearby. The Spymaster leaned back in his chair, exasperation and regret in equal measure.

“Fine, fine. You win. I’ll get my shit together. You’re worse than Badboyhalo, you know that?”

What a fine compliment. She preened as he took a cookie off the plate. Today was nothing but victories upon victories, in her fair opinion.

“Oh, while you’re here-” They opened a drawer and shuffled through what looked like dozens of organized letters. “You received some mail this morning. I finished vetting it during the lunch I didn’t take.”

Ignoring the snark, she took it from him, flipping it over to spot the familiar, broken seal.

“Oh gods no.” She groaned. “Not him.”

“Yep.”

“I thought when we moved from Haven the letters would stop.”

“He’s likely heard of Skyhold by now,” Punz shrugged. “Nobles tend to keep their ears to the ground on this kind of stuff.”

Niki unfolded the letter with dread. Wilbur’s script was so excessive in its fanciness that it was a miracle anyone could read it at all. Niki had more than enough experience with it however, much to her chagrin.

My dearest Niki, I’m so thankful to be able to write to you, despite all the terrible circumstances that have befallen us…

Maker preserve her.

“How does he know I was injured?” Niki asked incredulously as she read further. “Is he spying on me?”

“There were very few people who weren’t injured in the battle,” Punz pointed out.

“But he doesn’t know that!” She waved the parchment in frustration before tossing the envelope on the desk. “Did you have a list of injured posted as well as a list of the dead?”

“Not that I’m aware,” They raised an eyebrow. “You gonna write him back?”

She looked at him, aghast. “Why would I?”

“His wife made a request to tour Skyhold once we have it ready for visitors.”

Gods, the flush creeping up her face felt worse than the fires that tried to claim her. Niki sat on a nearby crate, letting her face fall into her hands.

This was fine, fine. She would simply hide in the kitchens when the two inevitably came over. Failing that, the basement had so many passages that only the cleverest Inquisition agent would be able to find her. Sally and Wilbur would get distracted by the Inquisitor, or Hbomb, or whatever shiny treasure Technoblade’s soldiers procured that day, and would promptly forget about their ex-lover who was certainly irrelevant to their visit. It would be fine.

Gods, why did they have to want her? The scars on her hips ached, and she wasn’t sure if it was from phantom pains or a memory of the hands that used to grip them firmly.

A flutter of wings, and then a soft weight landed upon her head. The raven croaked.

“I could refuse them,” Punz’s voice sounded hesitant for the first time. “Bad might get fussy about it, but he’ll back down if I insist.”

“No! No, ‘tis not your duty, but mine.” Niki raised her head sharply, unmindful of the raven that continued to balance on it. It croaked again. “I’m strong enough to handle this on my own.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Punz agreed. Still, he watched her carefully.

“I just… need some time to think. Of how I’ll plan this.” She sighed, standing up. “I’ll leave you to your papers- make sure you bring that plate back to the kitchens when you’re done! I don’t need to lose more dishes to the endless halls of Skyhold.”

“Of course,” They replied quickly, also standing up. “Let me know if you change your mind. We have a while before we’re ready to host.”

And what a biting relief that was. She made her way to the exit, holding her head carefully to let the raven balance with ease.

“Are you making off with one of my fliers?”

“Yep.” She didn’t look back, and the raven croaked happily.

-

The letter was tossed into the nightstand drawer by her bed after some thought. Back in Haven, it would have gone with the others beneath the bed, into a small sack containing the meager belongings she had brought when she had first arrived. She'd never actually seen what had become of it, but the burning wreckage that the Inquisitor had pulled her body out of made it certain she'd never see those letters again.

She felt her stomach for the twisted flesh. It was still there, where it would remain until her dying day.

Vanity really didn't suit her. Better to leave that to her Sally and Wilbur. She waved the raven off her head and began to undress for the night, trying to ignore her aching heart. There wasn't any point in wondering what they'd think of her now.

They'd always been a little too shiny in some ways, polished and manicured like sparkling mirrors, reflecting her lack of status in comparison. She didn't care for the nobility status, and she certainly didn't want it either, but…

Them. What did they even see in her? It was supposed to have been a fling. Fun, enjoyable, but not meant to last, nor meant to be filled with love.

The raven croaked and hopped from the nightstand to her bed.

“Yes, yes, I'll be right there.” Niki smiled, giggling a little at its pouting. She reached out to stroke the white tuft underneath its chin. Pretty thing.

Her pajamas were all she had left, and then she was tucking herself in, bird resting on her hip.

“I'm assuming you'll be gone when I wake?” she asked. It looked at her with its black, beady eyes. Bred to be intelligent, but still just a raven. “You have a job to do, you know.”

It preened itself, and gave no answer. She sighed. “Suit yourself.”

With a click! she turned the oil lamp off, and closed her eyes. There'd be plenty of time to think of the past while kneading bread tomorrow.

hi, I'm so good at finishing writing, did you know. did you want to find out.

[dzpenumbra]

7/10/23

Goddammit, I was lined up to start this at 2:30 today. I had it all planned out and everything. I had my small dinner at midnight and I was going to finish up some work and then hop on here and do this and then get to bed at a decent hour. And, of course, I got sidetracked and sucked into something and now it's 4:30.

Let's start from the top. My neighbor was making creaking and bumping noises above my head from 9AM until I finally got up around 2 or 3. The first time I woke up, I literally felt like I fell off a cliff. Like... I remember vividly a time I was hiking in Fall off-trail and I slipped on dry leaves and started sliding downhill a few feet towards a 25+ foot cliff... that feeling. My heart was pounding through my solar plexus. It was so fucking jarring that I went to my very special sketchbook that I only put the most important, most meaningful things in... and I did my best attempt to draw my Primal Self getting the shit scared out of him.

I then did a sketch of Me... trying to calm my Primal Self down from a distance, as it was coiled up and frightened like a wild skunk that broke in and somehow trapped itself in your entry room, at the moment when you flip the lights on and it backs itself into a corner and starts screeching at you. My role being... reassuring from a distance and showing the surroundings to him. Prove to him that he's safe.

It deeply upset me. It's horrible. It was so upsetting that I resolved to get to bed early, because... I mean... yes, I will feel the same kind of scared if I wake up suddenly and it's pitch dark out... but not to the degree that I will if I wake up to someone SLAMMING something 6 feet above my head. And these motherfuckers are not awake at 4 AM. Unless it's the day before Easter and they are having family over and they get the sudden urge to vacuum their apartment...

At this point, fixing my sleep schedule feels like it's getting to be a matter of physical health. Not just mental or spiritual health. It is not physically healthy for my body to be subjected to this level of stress regularly. Here's the worst part. I can try to justify to my nervous system "it's just people being people, they're just living their life, you're okay..." And it does work to turn my inner alarm system off after the fact... very effectively, too. But I can't rewire my inner alarm systems to get used to loud bangs and crashes, HUMAN SOUNDS, 6 feet away from my head when I live alone. It's simply a survival thing. It's a self-preservation thing, it's just not smart for me to train the autonomic system in my subconscious that the sound of human activity that appears from the senses to be coming from inside my home, when I live alone... is a perfectly safe sound to be hearing while I'm fucking unconscious.

In case I'm not connecting the dots clear enough, the problem is that my nervous system is correct. It's reacting appropriately. I should be startled if I hear fireworks or a car backfiring a block away. I should be alert to that. Does that mean piss myself? No. But if I hear a sound that sounds like someone climbing the stairs to my bedroom, I better be wide the fuck awake and out of bed. And the adrenaline surge I was provided with this morning was enough for me to leap out of bed and fight a fucking bear.

So yeah, I'm a bit upset about this situation. Still. And it's not like I have a lot of living options... the housing market is fucking laughable. Almost as absurd as the healthcare situation. So... I just have to figure this out, one way or another.

I tried to just... resolve to get to bed earlier. It seemed like the best solution overall. The current hour is testament that... that did not go as planned.

I went downstairs, did my Zen Garden (which is super relaxing), got some water, got my AirPods and went back to bed. I didn't get back to sleep for at least half an hour of just laying there listening to white noise with the noise cancelling on. Oh, and get this. With the box fan... and the noise cancelling... and white noise playing in the earbuds... They still woke me up twice. They still fucking woke me up twice. Because, out of their entire apartment, they decide to set up their most commonly used living space precisely above my bed. I'm tempted to write my landlord and just... ask them if they would mind just moving their shit over to the other side of their main room? I feel like that's super forward and "bitchy neighbor" of me, but I've been losing sleep over this shit for 6 fucking months now. It's really fucking me up.

On top of all this, I had super disturbing dreams. Like... brainwash cult sweeping the nation and people very close to me were swept in, and they were like... potentially violent and shit. Super scary shit. It was not a good sleep.

I finally got up and... after journaling my dream... I found that the farmer's market ended at 2pm. I didn't get back to sleep until about 11, and I didn't get up until about 3. If I had slept through the night, I might've been able to make the last hour of it. I was upset about that.

I did yoga. It was nice, but my mind was wandering a lot. Which happens sometimes, it's okay. It was a nice practice. It started to storm and rained the rest of the day. I did my workout and played Hades. That's my routine now, pour my coffee so it cools to room temperature by the time I'm done... fire up a run in Hades... start my workout and play Hades during my rest in between sets. Then, when I'm done, eat breakfast, have coffee and finish my run. It's been working pretty well, I like it.

Tomorrow is my last day on my workout challenge, it's been a month already. Crazy how time flies. I think I've lost 3 or 4 pounds. I'm considering seeing if there's an exercise plan that includes stationary bike riding or a treadmill or something. I can just do my workout in the gym anytime then, it should be open 24/7. Then I can get a bit more of a sustained cardio workout, which has been missing from my exercise lately.

I dyed some beads, enough for another necklace that should be quite a bit longer than the last one. This one is a deep rich blue. I also decided to say fuck it and pull beads for a second necklace to do at the same time. A much longer one that is made of 88 of the smallest beads I have. This time, instead of sanding after dyeing... I sanded before. Which really does make the most sense. But... again... I have to do that by hand. So I started the day by sanding 32 medium sized beads by hand, one-by-one... then dying them, and setting them out to dry. That's a lot of sanding.

Then I did some house care. I'm downplaying that a bit. I... put Max's cat tree into storage. Finally. I had been using it as a stand for my lighting at night... at least that was my justification, I haven't been using those lights for several months now, I haven't needed to, I haven't been going to bed while it's dark. So... I figured... I'd have to do it eventually. And I put it into storage. And that part of the room is a lot emptier now. And it's really heart-wrenching, still. But it had to happen some day. And it's allowing the home to evolve a bit. I also brought the now potted Pothos upstairs to the loft, to their new home. They're all growing new leaves and growing quite fast now. So that's really nice!

I took some of the string lights that I had from the cat tree and I plan on putting them upstairs in the hallway leading to my bedroom. Maybe if I have more lighting at night, I will feel more safe waking up at night. I don't know. Worth a shot. Maybe I can get some lights for downstairs too, just so it's not like... this big gaping abyss full of dangerous mysteries below me.

So yeah, that was hard, but it was an important step for me. After that, I decided to set up a meal plan program. I signed up for a site that sorta... builds a meal plan for you and even has integration to buy your groceries and shit. It's pretty cool. So I made a deal with myself. I cancelled the subscription I had for this music sampling collection... which was a bit heartbreaking, but I haven't been using at all... and got this subscription instead, which was 1/3 the monthly cost. It made sense.

After I got that set up, I put it aside and started setting up the second necklace. I figured... with how time consuming the tung oil process is... why not just work in bulk? So I separated 88 small beads and strung them, and got the dye ready. Then I remembered... I didn't sand them... -_- Yep. So... I put on a YouTube lecture on the origins of religion and spiritual expression based on the latest archaeological discoveries (which was fucking mind-blowing and amazing and 1.5 hours long) and sorted, resized the holes and started sanding all 88 of them. One-by-one. By hand. I got to the halfway mark (44) by dinner time (around 12). And I pushed myself to do 22 more, since I was in a groove. And I did.

Then I did dinner. Just ramen with a few eggs and a soy/hot sauce base, some green onions, a little sesame oil to finish. One of the eggs fell on the floor and I had to clean it up. Just... you know... to spice up the day a bit more... And then I sat down and ate and started working on that meal planner. And these meals... so many of them just look so fucking basic and bland. Like... pasta with oil and some garlic and one basil leaf and 2 split cherry tomatoes. I don't know. A lot of the meal combos were really fucking weird... like asian food with cheese quesadillas as a side? Just... strange... And a lot of the food just didn't really seem appealing to me. Lots of flax stuff, and protein shakes... but I did find quite a bit of stuff that's going to work for me. Plus... it's all vegetarian, so that's a simple transition.

The Blue Jay is back. Actually there are two of them talking to each other, at least two. It's pouring rain out. I can tell it's my morning visitor, the big guy. It's the exact same time. I've been hearing him a lot lately. I wonder if he's just bitching for more free food... XD How fucking cool would it be to have a tame Blue Jay? They're in the Corvid family, with Crows, though not incredibly closely related. They do seem on a very different level than other song birds though. They're nuts. I've heard them imitate the sound of Red-Tailed Hawks to scare off other competing birds before. How fucking nuts is that?

Anyway. I got super lost in the whole meal planner thing. Because... they added this thing into it where you can inventory your pantry and then it sorta... figures out meals with your on-hand ingredients... and then orders shit that you need. Or at least it's supposed to, I haven't tried yet. It even had a barcode scanner thing on it, so it made it pretty easy to do (when it worked). But... again... I got super lost in it and inventoried literally all of my food. And then I looked at the clock and went "oh shit, I have to finish the beads..." So I finished the 2-week meal plan, as best as I could, and I'll come back to it tomorrow. And I went back to the beads. And I finished sanding the last 22 beads. And I went and soaked 44 of them on a string in the dye. This dye is green... but I watered it down. And I'm a little afraid that I might have watered it down a bit... too much. The other two necklaces, I didn't water that shit down fucking at all. So all I had to do was just roll them around a bit, let them soak the dye in, and they were nice and vibrant. This? I'm gonna let these puppies soak overnight. We'll see what they look like tomorrow. So I wedged a rock in there with them to keep them submerged in the dye and they're just gonna do their thing. The other half? I think I'm going to leave them undyed. I'm tempted to draw symbols of some sort on them. I liked the idea of like a prayer flag concept, of like... writing a symbol and putting an intention into each one, and repeating that 88 times. Or maybe cycling through the Zodiac symbols? I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I'm also going to have to settle on a medium for that. But at the core, this is going to be alternating green (likely very desaturated green, maybe like a green tea color) and natural wood color, and they'll have the nice rich oil stain to them as well. So... likely a subtle alternation of colors.

Oh, and I put the last necklace in a sealed bag with a cinnamon stick. Hopefully that will seal an aroma into it, I'll leave it for like a week or something. If not, I've always got powdered cinnamon too.

Okay, I think that's everything from today. Big goddamn day. But I still felt like I didn't actually finish anything. The blue beads aren't oil coated. I didn't get to sand the display table that I am 100% going to refinish in this batch as well... I didn't finish dying the small beads. I didn't finish setting up my meal planner. So yeah, that's a frustrating feeling. I get that a lot. But I really need to remember that just because something is not complete, doesn't mean I didn't work hard on it and accomplish a lot. And today was just non-stop working hard on good, healthy, cool things. And in the end, I'm happy with it.

Now, I really need to get to bed because I'm insanely tired. Headphones are 100% coming to bed with me tonight.

[weebsinstash]

OHOHOHO, I absolutely LOVE the idea of an unhinged, yandere omega. Who would ever suspect the 'soft little omega' as an actual danger? What can they do, cmon, you should be flattered~

Or even if it's someone like Miguel as an omega, despite him being Absolutely Huge and totally able to crush you like an empty soda can there's this... lingering /urge/ to protect and serve him that he takes full and absolute advantage of.

Like, say he decides he needs an assistant to help him keep track of his busy schedule and any objections you come up with straight up don't matter because He's An Omega and you Have To Help Him. Or just kind of plucks you up one day and informs you you are now on call for his upcoming heats- what're you gonna do, tell this 'clearly vulnerable and fragile' Omega you aren't interested?

You can be chatting to someone and have him come up and literally drag you off and EVERYONE dismisses it or blames you for setting off his fucking 'nesting' instincts like he's not a grown ass man capable of making his own damn decisions.

Or even him pheromone bombing you to make you all pliable and agreeable when he needs it. His Alpha is getting fussy? He just forces your face into his neck until you go all soft and dazed and fuzzy, letting him do whatever he wants because you're just absolutely punch-drunk.

Anon you are opening my mind's third eye right now, there's a post I think about from time to time and it was kinda about gender roles and like certain things being subjective and it was someone going "am I still butch if I have plushies all over my bed" and someone replied something like "dude that's butch as hell, you have all these cute tiny creatures you're being a guardian of and feel protective of"

You're just a female Alpha trying to mind your own business and one day you get a good WHIFF of those Certified Omega Miguel Pheromones and suddenly your stupid ass Hormone Brain is going "hey, hey, you know what would be very Alpha of you. If you took care of that Omega by getting pregnant and giving him a baby. Don't you want to give the Omega a cute little baby or two to take care of and give kisses to and buy little baby clothes for? Don't you want to see his big strong arms holding a lil teeny baby? He'd be SO HAPPY if you gave him a lil baby. Just one. Or a few. Provide for your Omega by taking a fat cream pie from that man. Dont you want the Omega to be happy" and from then on your coochie/instincts are like screaming out half the time you're around him

I guess it can kind of vary depending on how "all consuming" you prefer like heats and ruts and pheromones to be/have an effect on you

And like, yandere and not wanting anyone else besides you or not, I'm sure like he has plenty of fans right but he probably intimidates the fuck out of most people so, you know, he probably intimidates most Alphas too

You're helping him in his office and you can tell he's got a bad migraine from being light sensitive and suddenly you're overwhelmed with the urge to rub his back and ask if he needs anything. You're bringing the man food and drinks every so often and make sure to ask him when he's got enough sleep. One may think, "oh you're a submissive Omega serving and obeying your Alpha" nah son YOU'RE the Alpha and like yeah you are being just nice and compassionate but, you're PROVIDING for him

Fucking nesting ass Miguel. It depends on preference since with ABO sometimes you know, Things Are Different Downstairs, we all need a little girldick from time to time, but, him developing the nesting instincts not even for himself he's like preparing for YOU to be pregnant. Scurrying around making sure his home is well stocked and rationed up like he's a squirrel storing for the winter because, he doesn't want his Alpha to not be able to soothe all her cravings 🥺🥺🥺 that would make him a Bad Terrible Horrible Omega and also you need the utmost care for the baby/babies/pups/whatever word you prefer

The pheromone bombing, godddd. Even if you're still mad and upset I imagine from a biological standpoint that it would at least like, help your body stop like reacting to any negative stress, like how you can be anxious or you can be Anxious Anxious where you're literally having heart palpitations and your chest feels tighter, like, he doesn't want his Alpha to be too stressed 🥺 you want him to bake you some sopapillas or something?

Lyla all "heyyyyy call me crazy but I think judging by the way Reader is so antsy and stockin up on food lately that SOMEONE is about to have their rut ;) maybe you should pop on for a visit"

Miguel: I dunno if I should

Lyla: why, because its questionably ethical and she might sleep with you when she's not in the right state of mind?

Miguel: no because what if I can't please her in bed and she doesn't like me 🥺👉👈

This man sees you holding Mayday ONCE and suddenly he's got a mental catalogue with all the different ways your potential babies could look. Would you let him name any of them Gabriella after his daughter or Gabriel after his brother? Would they have your eyes or his? Hair color? What if you spit out an Alpha with his height? Or maybe you two would have cute Omega babies just like their mom. He's just sitting there mentally going 🥰🥰🥰 while Lyla is snapping her fingers in front of his face "Hey, Hey, Earth to Planet DILF, you've never even kissed her yet, buddy"

Your rut hits and you're isolated in your Nueva York cyberpunk apartment which or course he has the pass key for and, "oh gosh Reader are you ok-- oh no you're suddenly pushing me down and ripping my clothes off, oh noooOoooOoo I sure hope you don't get prrrrregante, I didn't bring any protection 👉👈 *wink wink*"

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

The Boys are Back

Hey @roughentumble I did the thing 💖

Geralt's head pounded. His vision blurred on the edges. He slumped against the sofa, propped up against the pillows that Jaskier had helped him choose, trying to control his breathing. Four seconds in. Four seconds hold. Four seconds out.

It was always like this when he came back from a hunt still suffering from the toxic afterburn of his potions. He used to simply put himself to bed, but he'd learnt through horrible experience that falling asleep still high on potions would leave him feeling worse in the morning. He needed to wait till they wore out. Which meant regular breathing and sitting in a dark room until the worst of the feeling passed, then mindlessly scrolling on his phone while listening to ASMR until he felt sleepy enough to finally put himself to bed.

He refreshed his YouTube feed—an automatic reflex, given how many people he had subscribed to in his desperate hunt for sounds soothing enough to calm him—when a video popped up at the very top.

My Chemical Romance - The Foundations of Decay.

He frowned. Had he taken a hit to the head, muddling his memory? Had he taken too many potions? Or...

He clicked on the video. There were already well over ten thousand views.

Oh. Oh.

He was closing the app and phoning Jaskier before he'd even realised what he was doing. It rang three times, and then—

"Grrtrlllzzz." Jaskier grumbled. "Grrll... Geralt?" There was a sniff and the shift of a duvet. "Geralt? What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing! I just—" he glanced at the clock. It was 3:12 am. Shit. He'd forgotten that not everyone lived to his backwards schedule. "Fuck. Sorry. I didn't realise what the time was."

"Right." Jaskier sniffed. "So... you just wanted to chat? Or? Can I go back to fucking sleep?"

Geralt felt horribly guilty. "Fuck. Sorry."

"Was there a reason you were calling? Only I've got a shift that starts in—" more rustling, "—five hours."

"Um." Geralt swallowed. "Sort of?"

Jaskier sighed audibly. "Sort of?" He sounded massively pissed off. "Well?"

"My Chemical Romance just released a new single," Geralt managed, apologetically.

There was a pause. "What?"

"It's called The Foundations of—"

"What? Really?!"

"Ye—"

"Is it good?"

"It's really good," Geralt said with a chuckle. "Yeah."

"Fuck. Fuck! Okay hold on..." More muffled blanket sounds. "Wait, I can't listen and be on the call at the same time. Is it on Spotify?"

Geralt didn't know. "Probably?"

"Okay I'll message you, fuck—" Jaskier sounded suddenly animated. "Oh god. Do you think they'll play it next week?"

"Probably? It might be part of the uh..." Geralt tried to remember how Jaskier described his own music. "Part of the hype?"

"God, probably— holy shit. Geralt. Geralt!"

"Yeah?"

"It's our boys!"

Geralt laughed. "They're older than you."

"Still..." a sigh. "I... sorry for snapping at you. Thanks for letting me know."

"It's okay."

"I'm gonna listen to it now. I'll message you?"

"You better."

"Seriously. Thank you." A yawn. "Love you, Geralt."

Jaskier didn't mean it. He was just excited—and sleep deprived. Geralt swallowed.

"Love you too."

"Yeah you do."

The line went dead. A minute later, Geralt's phone flashed with a notification. 

Holy cocking shit

I LOVE IT

AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

And then, five minutes after that:

ilu 💖

Geralt smiled to himself, tried to ignore the tight, bubbling feeling around his heart, and swiped to the next video.